Talking About Disability on a Date: Helpful Hints
Going on a date can be really unpredictable. You'll never know what is going to happen... You might be either that person who suddenly panicked for a while because you find out that your date has a disability. Or, you might be that person, setting up your online dating profile and you don’t know how will you reveal your illness or disability to your potential dates. Well, in general, there is no ultimate guide to dating.
Disabled people have different stories to tell as well. But for starters, let’s break the common misconceptions about the disabled community and replace it with these helpful tips.
- Don't make them feel they are different.
Sure, your date’s on a wheelchair. Or, deaf. Or, you can't hold hands because your date has height issues due to dwarfism. But you have to show that you’re up for it no matter what.
In history, disabled people have proven to be subjected to discrimination and maltreatment. Things were much worse at that time, but there are still times when they feel like outcasts to society, especially in the world of dating.
Tip: Get to know more about your date. The disability is only a part of someone else. There are a lot of things to ask! Go get that slambook! (Just kidding.)
If it is your first time to meet your date, please don’t be a creep. Refrain from asking overly personal questions on the first day, particularly about the condition. You can get a hint from facial expressions, body language, and their answers if they are uncomfortable of it.
You can also ask about interests, hobbies, beliefs... even about pets, the American liberalization and the list goes on!
You have to change the perspective and give it a chance to open up and express who your date is.
- Don't be afraid to talk about it.
The truth is, if you want to level up your game, you have to talk. One day, it will naturally come out and your date will be looking for hints that you are into that kind of talk.
Dating someone with a disability should feel that sense of comfort towards you. It is as if you don't merely tolerate it, but you can accept and embrace it as a part of who s/he is.
Tip: Ask questions about the disability. The history, the on-going process, coping mechanisms and anything that you can think of.
When it comes to asking, be empathetic. It can be no longer a sensitive topic for the person you’re seeing but you have to pick the right words. You don't aim to offend because you thought the entire situation is something unbelievable, ridiculous or absurd.
That is one of the sweetest ways to show that you're more than interested, but you care instead. Go give the support your date deserves.
- Don't date them just because of your fetish.
Please, don't. Disabled people have gone through a lot. If you're an enabler of ableism, just back off.
Also, if your intentions are solely focused on your gratifications - it might not work. But oh well... there's this thing called devotism. Devotism is a fetish for disabled people. This subculture remains unpopular but the underground discussions exist. Devotism has received negative connotations as to how some devotees behave and portray the fetishism.
Others only stick with their sexual interests and fantasies and do whatever it takes to take advantage of their disability. But, not all devotees deserve to be called out - for some, the overall attraction is just a part of it. Some went into serious relationships and they are now living the best life with their partners.
- They will need your help but you don't have to worry.
You made up your mind. You like to go on but you're in the brink of confusion. 3 AM thoughts go like, "How am I supposed to live a normal life?" "We might not do all the things we want because s/he has a disability." Well, what is normal anyway?
Ultimate tip: Trust the process. If you put your trust by the time that both of you are still starting to get to know more about each other, how about you continuously follow what your mind and heart dictate you to do?
In the long run, you will learn how to deal with things and get used to it. Disabled people have limitations to move but that doesn't mean they don't want to move. As much as possible, they take the initiative to do things that they can.
Tip: Keep in mind that they have their strengths. But if they need help... you have to be ready. There's nothing wrong with that as long as you trust the process.
- Don't be afraid to get intimate.
Love has no boundaries. If you are still getting there, sure - so is intimacy. If you are really into it, there's nothing to worry about. Strip away the fear and doubt. Disabled people may have their limitations but that does not include their capacity to express their emotions and get it going. Find the right ways, learn about it and figure out what works best for both of you.
Going to the real deal. You might be thinking that it's easier said than done. Dating someone with a disability is something that you embrace now, for real.
Sounds good. But what's the next step? If you cannot find it out as soon as possible, don't lose your cool. Be patient. It takes time to settle things. Your partner is willing to help you out as well. Both of you are in a team.
Foreplays can really make a huge difference if done right. This one is a lot more special. Make sure you are really into it! Here goes the fun part: You will enjoy the sex. As long as you are really in the mood and you cannot get over it - it will work and it will be fantastic.
And lastly... Do you think you will do all the work? Come on! No, you will not. Do not ever think that your partner is not capable of doing anything. But, here's another thing that you might want to consider.
You should not consider it. You should buy it. Toys are lifesavers. It can make every moment worthwhile. If you are down to new, exciting sexy times with your partner, find the right sex toys to buy for your partner.
The dating world for the disabled community
The online and offline dating scene can get you anywhere. There is no definite answer if you will meet someone that is worth your time and effort.
If you have a lot of friends, you can definitely get a match from mutual friends, former colleagues, friends’ relatives… or anyone that can be referred to you by people you know. That’s offline dating.
If you have minimal chances to that, you can always set up an online dating account. There are a handful of dating platforms you can choose from. Tinder, OkCupid, Bumble, Badoo, Skout even Facebook has a dating feature already. All you have to do is choose among the best and sign up!
Whether you want to go for offline or online dating, both of these two have similarities. Here are some dating tips to get you started.
- Be ready.
Always remember that anything might happen. You don’t expect your ideal partner to show up the next day.
It will take time for you to find someone that will more likely want to hang out with you. If someone asked for your number (coming from a friend) and wants to have a coffee date with you, why not? Or, someone who just matched with you on Tinder is asking for a selfie…
You have to go for it. That’s dating. You spend your time setting a schedule to meet someone else, or swiping left and right on your dating app for hours. Be ready, whether it might turn out good or not.
- Embrace yourself and don’t try too hard to impress.
If you’ve lost your self-confidence to go out with someone else or to post more pictures on your online account, we feel you. Disabilities make you feel worse. Some people would wish to be normal instead.
These are one of the things that stop disabled people to interact with others. But hey, in the world of dating, people will find it hard to accept you if you can’t do it on your own in the first place. So, don’t be afraid to show who you are!
Express yourself. What other things define your personality? What other aspects of yours that can be interesting for others? If you don’t want to put a lot of stress on your situation, sure - you can talk about other stuff.
When going on a date, you have to be yourself. Don’t try to show off by pretending to be someone else. When you overdo things, your date will figure it out and sooner - you will get tired of it.
Because, it is not you.
- Let them know the truth. Be honest and straightforward.
As soon as possible. The urgency is important. Why? You don’t want to make people feel like they’re fooled. Your date deserves to know the truth. You can’t just show up and say it upfront by the time that both of you met already and expect that it’s fine.
There is no guarantee of that. So before things get serious, you have to admit it. And you have to face reality. Some people with disabilities don’t usually do this because their potential dates usually get turned off, and they receive offending questions about their condition.
You also have to spot people who only want to date you because of their fetishes. If you’re up for a serious relationship and one of these things happen to you, you have to let it pass.
For sure, you’ll meet someone who will respect and accept you later on.
- Enjoy!
You don’t have to be serious the entire time. Seize the moment. Take any chance. That’s the world of dating - you have to take the risk. You’ll find it out when it’s worth it when you’re having fun!
Crack jokes, send memes, talk about your embarrassing moments, watch a comedy film - there are a lot of ways to be happy.
You deserve it!